GENERATIONS

Excerpt from

Letters to Sam: A Grandfather's Lessons on

Love, Loss, and the Gifts of Life

"Being Productive"

by Dr. Daniel Gottlieb

In 2006, Dr. Daniel Gottlieb, Philadelphia psychotherapist, columnist, radio personality, and author, published Letters to Sam: A Grandfather’s Lessons of Love, Loss, and the Gifts of Life. Dr. Gottlieb and Sterling Publishing have graciously granted Empty Nest permission to reprint a chapter from the book. In “Being ‘Productive,’” Dr. Dan discusses the value of compassion and how it should never be measured in dollars earned. Those who are giving and receiving compassion must be recognized as living productive lives. Gottlieb (a quadriplegic due to a freak accident years ago) wrote the book for his autistic grandson to pass wisdom from one generation to the next. The lessons he imparts, however, benefit readers of all ages.

Reprinted with permission of Sterling Publishing Co., Inc., from LETTERS TO SAM by Daniel Gottlieb. Copyright © 2006 by Daniel Gottlieb.

Dear Sam,

Not long ago, I gave a panel presentation on the topic of disabilities. One of my guests had written a best-selling book called Riding the Bus with My Sister. The sister, who had a developmental disability, was able to function independently (with some minor help) but [was] unable to work. Instead, she rode the bus all day, just talking with people.

One of the women in the audience, a college professor, raised her hand. She wanted to talk about whether the young woman riding the bus—the sister with disabilities—was “being productive.” The question made me angry and I told the professor why. Here’s what I said:

“We live in a world that seems to be lacking kindness and compassion. It looks to me as if our world has too much hatred, judgment, and aggression. Most of us “productive” people work hard, pay the bills, maybe send a check to charity every now and then, and go home and watch reality TV. How many people in the audience bring pleasure to the lives of another living being every day?”

***

Some time ago, Sam, I was treating a woman in her late fifties who was severely depressed. Her mother, in her early eighties, had just moved into this woman’s house. Since the older woman was incapacitated I did something I rarely have time to do. I went to their home.

Early in the session, I asked the mother to describe her daughter.

“Oh, she’s an angel!” said the older woman.

My patient reacted with a plastic-looking smile. “No, Mom, I’m really not. I’m just a person.”

“No, no—you’re an angel. An absolute angel!”

Thinking we’d better move on, I asked the mother what life was like for her. She talked about how frustrated she felt at being dependent. She couldn’t help her daughter make the beds the way she used to. She couldn’t clean the house, do the laundry, or wash dishes. “I feel so worthless!” she told me.

So the daughter was doing all these tasks that her mother could no longer do. She really didn’t seem to mind. But her mother sure did. She was angry because she wasn’t “productive.” Her daughter continually tried to reassure her mother that it was all right, but that didn’t seem to help very much.

So I asked the daughter how her mother could be most helpful.

“I wish Mom would just sit with me and talk,” she said. “All of our lives together, either she was too busy to listen to me or I was too busy to listen to her. I never felt as though my mother knew me for who I really was. She just saw me as “perfect.” Now that we both have time, I would like to just sit with her and tell her the story of who I am. And, I’m thinking maybe I could hear her story, too.

I saw the reflective look in her mother’s eyes as she replied simply, “I could do that.”

So what does it mean to be productive? We must feed, clothe, and house ourselves and our loved ones. Are we productive when we do the dishes and laundry? Clean the house? I suppose so. But what if we just sit with someone and show compassion?

Sam, for me a productive day looks much the same as any other. I wake up alert, and I get my work done. I write a column or see patients. But at a deeper level, I finish my day with more energy and aliveness if I truly feel that at least part of my day has contributed to someone else’s welfare. I don’t need to change the world. But the day is better when I am able to share an intimate moment with another, listen in a way someone has not been listened to before, or tell a story that gets someone thinking differently. Then I feel my day is productive, and I feel grateful for having lived it.

When I think about the woman who rides the bus, I believe there’s a good chance she brings pleasure to people’s lives every hour of every day. So I wouldn’t encourage anyone to ask whether she is “productive.”

Sam, you and I need help throughout our lives, and we depend on people’s compassion. So we have to teach people that being compassionate not only feels good, not only helps us, but will also make the world a kinder and safer place. When you show compassion—and when you receive it—you are being productive. I hope no one will be able to convince you otherwise.

Love, Pop


Dr. Dan Gottlieb’s work last appeared in the winter 2011–2012 issue of Empty Nest. His most recently published book, The Wisdom of Sam (Hay House, 2010), was reviewed in the summer 2010 issue. Watch your bookstores: In March 2014, Gottlieb’s new book, The Wisdom We're Born With: Rediscovering the Joy of Living will become available.

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